Schadenfreude

Life's greatest pleasures
October 26, 2006

As far as journalists go, Sam would make a pretty good housewife. She's up to her old tricks again, Googling for a particular phrase and passing on any resultant quotes that may appear profound in someway so as to pass herself off as a wise and learned authority on all things romantic, and give her readers solace.

Journalist Walter Bagehot theorized it was "doing what people say you cannot do". And many say it's escaping to a romantic hotspot for two...

Comes directly from results 2, 3, 5 and 6 for "Life's Greatest Pleasure"

This article is particularly tragic, in that it's like being a fly on the wall during a tragic "girls night in". She discussess how fabulous (or in this case "snazzy" - hi nan!) her friends are:

My snazzy journalist friend recently returned from a lengthy holiday in Greece, sporting a deep chocolate tan and an equally delicious dish on her arm.

"Ooh, you should have seen the men," she whispered to me while her Greek gent stood proudly beside her. "They were everywhere! And after a three-year drought? All I can say is forget internet dating, head north-west with nothing but a bikini and a pair of thongs... go to Greece!"

I can imagine a group of scientists conducting a study on these sorts of yackfests from behind a 2 way mirror, scratching their heads and saying "This doesn't make sense at ALL! The more fabulous 30 something females we add, the lower the collective IQ becomes!"


Scientific data suggests a strong link between hotness and tedium.

Misogynistic tendencies aside, this was a very poor way to end the week, Darls. You might as well have written an article entitled "Water is wet" or "Oxygen is necessary".

Just for the record, the greatest pleasures in my life are:
- Risotto with a nice glass of red
- Talking about my feelings
- Bukkake

High Fidelity

Is fidelity overrated?
October 25, 2006

The old debate of whether we regress and fuck anything that moves, or evolve and try to devote ourselves to one person, has reared its ugly head again. I think a lot of the problems associated with cheating come from the fact that fidelity is generally implied in a relationship, and is seldom discussed in an open and honest way.

I don't think we need to try and evolve so far as to eradicate, or curb, our sexual voracity - and by extension the desire to be voracious with as many people as possible - if it's coming naturally to us and our body is telling us it's good - how can it be bad, right?

I'm no expert on which lifestyle choice is better for us in the end. I don't think it matters, both have their good and bad points. Dubious points like this don't make the issue any clearer for men:

Yet although single men might seem the happier bunch, research by the University of California, Los Angeles, has found that people who never marry run a far greater risk of premature death compared with peers who tie the knot or get divorced!

Why? Because apparently, the never-marrieds might suffer from social isolation and lack of support from children and other relatives. (You'd think they were better off!)

That's right fellas, either spend your life with your wedding tackle in a jar on the bookshelf, or fall into a sin infested coffin at 50 - that's the apparent choice we have. Choice being the overriding theme that comes from a great number of Sam's articles - the compulsion to choose one thing over another.

Choose an A cup or D cup.
Choose a rich fat man or poor handsome man.
Choose fidelity or choose infidelity.
Choose male or choose female.
Choose to chase or choose to be chased.

Why does this need exist? Is Sam trying to make our lives easier - or harder? I think most of us would agree it's the former, because she is trying to get a definitive result - but the net effect of this sort of problem polarisation is imbalance and therefore our lives become harder and more confusing. I've never understood why having your cake, and eating it too is a bad thing.

Forbidden Boobs.

Forbidden Love
October 24, 2006

Sam's just getting lazy now. She's asked three hapless honkies - "Andy", "Ben" and "Amanda" - to write most of this article for her. So in the absence of any real criticism, here's some more boobs:

Bring the Boobies.

Bigger breasts: turn on or turn off?
October 23, 2006

First off, Sam's up to her old tricks again, starting out with another quality Shakespeare pun. Oh, the hilarity!

To D or not to D? Now that is the question!

Secondly, here's some diagrams for your reference, just so we know what she means when she talks about "big" breasts:

Thirdly...Third...Th...wait, what?

How Google's skillz pays the billz.

What is sexual tension... and when have you felt it?
October 22, 2006

Sam's impeccable research has come to the fore once again with this corker about the mystery of sexual tension. It reminds me of when I was 8, and I had to do a mini-essay "in my own words" on Ned Kelly. I had no idea what "in my own words" meant, so I used a thesaurus to replace the words I copied from a book borrowed from the library. I guess my point is, people get caught out when they're lazy. And also I have a bad mother who took no interest in my intellectual and emotional development whatsoever.

Whoa! Dude! Where did that come from!?

"It's when you can feel that energy between you but you can't quite put your finger on it," was one explanation given during a girls-only breakfast on Sunday morning. "It's hard to describe, but it's just something magical that exists," piped another. "It kind of lingers in the air. It could be a tease, a wink or a smile. But you'll know it's there when you feel it."

Ah yes, the enigma of "sexual tension"...

Ah yes the enigma of "sexual tension" indeed! Just like the mystery of "walking", and the abstruseness⁺ of "the pencil". Seemingly knowing little about the subject, Sam turned to a source that has saved the arse of high school student and web developer alike - Google. Most of her source material for this article comes from a Google search for Sexual Tension and Sexual Chemistry

Let's break it down, homes.

1) You can fake a cold
You can fake surprise
You can even fake an orgasm
But the one thing you can't fake - in real life or in fiction - is sexual chemistry.
- Barbara Bretton

Comes from result 9 for "Sexual Chemistry"

2) It's also a clever device used to hold our interest in books, tv and movies.

Comes from results 4 and 5 for "Sexual Tension"

3) According to David DeAngelo, author of "Double Your Dating" (Communications Inc), women are better in-tuned to the feeling than the men.

Comes from result 6 for "Sexual Tension"

4) The satirical website The Onion recently reported this hilarious cautionary tale:
Joel Dashner, 34, interpreted acquaintance Lori Rezala's nervous shifting, awkward giggling, and inability to make eye contact at a mutual friend's dinner party as a sign of mounting sexual heat, Dashner said Monday.

Comes from result 11 for "Sexual Tension"

Sam closes with a profound quote from Charles Dickens, hoping to maker her appear more learned and credible.

So next time you're feeling the heat, you might want to check the other person is warming up too. And if they're not feeling it? Take heed from Charles Dickens's brilliant words on how to create the ultimate page turner: "Make them laugh. Make them cry. Make them wait."

Which is from the page on Barbara Bretton's website as described in Search Result #1:

Remember Charles Dickens's brilliant words on writing the ultimate page turner? Make them laugh. Make them cry. Make them wait.

⁺ Sorry, Mrs Pooley - I used a thesaurus again.

Woo = 'tang.

How to woo a woman... (or a man)
October 19, 2006

I think I've narrowed Sam's "research" sources down to 3:
1) Wikipedia.
2) Her hot and successful girlfriends, or dweeb males in the office.
3) Companies who have a vested interest in making money out of those who are unlucky in love.

This article doesn't deserve much attention, as I don't need to convince you or anyone of how shallow and poorly written it is. I'll leave that up to respondant "jayina". You go, girl.

Uuuurgh!

Why on earth do all these blog topics seem to need to be such materialistic, mysogynist, "war of the sexes", two dimensional, irresponsible topics.

Please, for once, put something positive on this blog, like "The most loving thing I have ever done for myself or someone else", "How I express my centredness and balance as a human being", "What I love about life" or "I know I am projecting when...."

Is it really, honestly true that only sensationalist, negative crap will be responded to on this blog?

Surely some of the readers are a little more open minded and interested in being positive rather than attacking the world and each other all of the time.

Get back to the kitchen.

Is it still a man's world?
October 16, 2006

Firstly, yes.
And secondly, why are you on the internet questioning my authority?

What does a hack do when she runs out of ideas for a column? Reaches for the old 'battle of the sexes' whip, and flogs that dead horse a little more.

The book Date Like a Man: What Men Know About Dating And Are Afraid You'll Find Out, incites one disgruntled Amazon reader to retort back: "I like being a woman, and I don't want to treat dating like a science." Amen.

Relationship guru April Masini's offering titled Think & Date Like A Man, provokingly subtitled "Be the woman who gets the man she wants...and keeps him" strangely purports that men see dating, as they do life, "as sales". Really?

Anyone who buys these books, in my opinion, deserves to be alone, confused, and bitter for the rest of her natural life. At least Sam - god bless her pretty head - leaves her columns open to comment from her readers, and values their input. These other dating hacks simply rehash a lot of tired cliches and make a buttfuck load more money from it.

Women, I urge you - don't buy these books. Spend your money on books that will affect your life in profound ways, not turn you into a blithering idiot. And also wear dresses, jeans are not attractive. And would it kill you to put on some makeup? Jesus.

Nag, nag, nag.

Is it ever ok to nag?
October 15, 2006

As Clint Eastwood said to Sandra Locke in the classic 1977 movie The Gauntlet - "Nag, nag, nag". I don't like to generalise, but fuck it, I reckon men are a lot more tolerant of their partners flaws than women. If only out of fear. Fear of never getting a blowie ever again, of course.

Especially my friend Chantelle, a ballsy career woman, who continued on to her third martini in between mouthfuls of chips, cigarette puffs, fits of giggles and very inappropriate dancing. We could tell her partner was seething.

Chantelle must be French for "classy". Sam is a strange creature. She has this compulsion to point out that all of her female friends are either successful career women, or beautiful - and therefore better than you. Is she a feminist, proud of her friends achievements in the oppressive corporate patriarchy? Or are all her beautiful and successful friends just fuckups, and therefore good source material?

Artists impression of Chantelle.

Carn! Show us ya tits!

Skin or no skin?
October 11, 2006

To show skin, or not to show skin... now that is the question!

On behalf of William Shakespeare's Estate (herein known as "Big Daddy"), I must ask you to cease and desist all unauthorised impersonations, parodies, and/or facsimilies of Hamlet, and/or any other related works, audio or visual, until such time as a) you have an original thought or b) Big Daddy's Zombie tracks you down and eats your brains while you sleep.

Given the state of topics recently, one must wonder what Sam is going to write about in 1, 2, 6, 12, or 18 months? We've done some crystal ball gazing and found the following:

"GPS Dating: Why his longtitude and latitude matter to your horoscope!"
"My man doesn't floss, should I leave him?"
"Why the spark plugs he uses matters to your future happiness"
"The Love Diet: Why acrotomophiliacs are so hot right now"

Emails fill my inbox requesting information on what to wear for first dates, what not to wear to the races, how much skin is appropriate, and what an outfit says about the type of person you're dating

I'm sure Joseph Licklider, if he were still alive, and the rest of DARPA would be proud of what their creation has become.

Gold Digging Hoes.

Can money buy love?
October 9, 2006

Sam goes deep in this article, asking the hard hitting questions of some of the greatest minds of her time. Nicky Hilton, Alicia Keys, and her beautician. Alain de Botton gets a mention. What is he, like a bus driver or something?



Her beautician seems to be in somewhat of a bind:

"It's a non-stop money battle," confides my beautician in the midst of pouring hot wax on my legs. "My boyfriend gets cranky that I spend too much, I get angry that he doesn't give me enough, and we always argue over the amount our bills come too. Argh. If only money were less complicated."

I guess that explains why you're a beautician. You've got a job, spend your own god damn money. And be grateful when your boyfriend gives you money. Don't get angry at him when he doesn't give you something you don't deserve.


An artist's interpretation of Sam's beautician

There's always going to be gold digging hoes, and there's always going to be fucktards willing to part with their money for the company of a trophy he can show off to his mates. But if we look a bit deeper, why is money such a big talking point? As far as I am concerned money, looks, athleticism, or whatever all have one thing in common - security. No doubt we all want to feel secure in a relationship, and one's financial capacity can go a long way to helping that.

So lads if you're wondering why no girl is taking an interest in you, take an honest look at yourself and see what sort of security you can provide for the ladies.

Respondant anon gets my comment of the day:

All that matters is I'm balling hot young broads.

Tight-arse Tantrum

Who should pay?
February 20, 2006

Sam, going for an original angle, this time poses the question: Who should pay for dinner? Yes, that old chestnut that has men biting their fingernails and women poised to decide if you will get to first base, or if you'll be stuck in the car park holding your bat.

As far as I am concerned, if you're the type of person who:
a) Gets offended if the other party offers to pay, or;
b) Expects the other person to pay

Then chances are you're not going to have much luck when it comes to dating, and will probably end up spending your nights sorting your spice rack in to alphabetical and chronological order. You also idolise Hitler, and have severe allergic reactions to compliments, rainbows, and kittens.

I think respondant Larry summed it all up when he said:

Chicks dig scars.

Word Larry. Word.

Historical Oversight

"'Til death do us part"... or better booty comes along
October 8 2006

Quick question: How do you feel about the words "Till death do us part"? Afraid to say it? Disdain towards it? A quick straw poll finds those five little words are likely to instill fear in hearts and minds of never-marrieds everywhere. "How could you possibly promise something about a time that is decades away?" say some. "How do you know you'll still be in love all those years later?" quip others. "And why would you promise something you might not be able to fulfill?" Yep, those marriage vows we once happily latched on to are now in deep trouble. "For richer or poorer" has come to the end of its run, permanence has taken a back seat, and the phrase "till death do us part" has been re-jigged, amended and modified to read something akin to "till the love runs out" or more likely, "till better booty comes my way".

Classy.

Sam should check the origins of marriage vows, and what the life expectancy was in those times. Depending on who you ask, the average life expectancy was around 30-35 years at the time. Even 100 years ago the life expectancy was nowhere near as high as it is today. So you see for most of the time marriage vows have existed, "Till death do us part" wasn't exactly a marathon effort.

As with most complex social problems, there is never just one cause, nor is there just one solution. I'm sure the culture of individualism that we are slowly adopting thanks to the Americans is playing a big part. Advertising tells us that there is a perfect woman or man out there for us - or that we can be that perfect man or woman - if we by their product. Social conditioning (and Destiny's Child) tells us told that women should be independent.

We are told that there are no good men left.
We are told that if you have children, they're likely to get ADHD, start taking drugs, and make the streets in your neighbourhood unsafe.
We are told that raising a family will leave you broke.
We are told we can stay younger for longer through surgery.
We are encouraged to work long hours and put ourselves through unnecessary stress so we can afford that new car or to be seen with the social elite in a trendy city bar (you know the type - the ones with stools so small that if you make one wrong move your seat suddenly becomes a suppository).

We aren't told the benefits of forging a life long bond.
We aren't told the benefits of having children.
We aren't told the benefits of leaving a legacy.
We aren't told the benefits of growing old with someone who understands us completely.
We aren't told the benefits of being selfless.

"I've run out of ideas"

The chicks vs. the lads
October 6, 2006

Sam comes out swinging with what is surely the boldest claim made in the past two centuries: Men and Women are different.

Oh toes!!~! Men and women are different!?!! OMG! Call the intarweb police!

She also introduces us to a new buzzword: Fratire. Apparently it's a word to describe a "new" genre of irreverent books written by blokes who are presumably sick of social conditioning trying to stamp out all forms of masculine behaviour, and have released a litany of Fuck You's aimed at everyone from Feminists to Politicians to Metrosexuals in retaliation. Or maybe they're just jerks, or whatever.

Sam quotes from a Blogger named Victoria, who has a problem with her boyfriend

Blogger Victoria has a conundrum. She writes; "Last night my boyfriend and I were at his Judo class and he introduced me as his 'friend'. We've been dating for over two and a half years! I felt insulted, but then I thought he's 40, and am 24 and for my age group you always say girlfriend. Is this normal? Or is this another freaky thing about him? Is it irreverent? Is he embarrassed?"

Sam's solution? Head straight to the book store to find out why!

My suggestion would be, I dunno, maybe just fucking ask the bloke why he said it. There is no point going around in circles in your head and asking anyone who'll listen what they think. You'll just make yourself crazy, and your boyfriend will think you're a bunny boiler when you fly off the handle one day because you think you've found the answer on the interweb.

The equalising afterthought

Types of men (and women) to avoid
September 24, 2006

'June Marshall, author of the book The Dirty Seven: Ladies Beware!, believes there are in fact seven (yes seven!) types of such men to be weary of. There's the ScarMan: the bloke who's been wounded by a woman from his past and now he's using you as a rebound. There's the SideMan: the one who already has a girlfriend/wife/fiance, but what the heck, they might as well have some fun on the side (but not us thank you very much!). And there's...'

CUT!
I'm feeling nauseas.

Okay. So where should I start? It seems that June Marshall - who seems to hold no relevant degree in any of form of social science, psychology or philosophy - was once in charge of designing and developing AT&T's intranet.

Who feels comfortable taking dating advice from an ubernerd? Being an ubernerd myself, even I'd say no to that one.

It also seems that dear old June has also written a similar book for men called "Booby Trapped: Men Beware! The Dirty Seven Sisters: A Dating Guide for the 21st Century" aside setting the Guinness World Record for the longest non-academic book title, it seems that June has pitched both sexes against each other in a battle for your dollar!

This is the cover of the book. Nice innit? A model with amble boobage. The word BOOBY in big bold letters. The designer loses points for including the word "Guide" though - because everyone knows we don't read manuals. Right fellas?

All jokes aside, if Sam and her ilk are telling you to be weary of men who may have certain attributes - attributes that would make up only a small percentage of who that person is - then the result is men and women all going in to dates looking for those signs, rather than enjoying the person's company, and possibly having a connection with somebody. Or, to use another word: Prejudice. We don't tolerate it when it comes to race or sex - why should we tolerate it when it comes to dating?

At least one of Sam's readers has a bit of clarity:

The problem with the dating scene (people not understanding each other) are symptomatic of the psychological adaptive problem of our "liberated" society. We have lost the plot in knowing how and being willing to act cooperatively. Central or common canons of values, ethics or common vision have worn away.

For such a highly evolved species such as ours, how is it that we lack the basic inbuilt skills to cooperate enough to perpetuate ourselves via healthy-enough children? I think that our genetically hard-wired sexual emotions and drives to bond were forged by natural selection when human beings were not free and lived in a prehistoric world of threat and danger, i.e. when the tribe by necessity prevailed over the individual. Now put us into a Garden of Eden of liberty and material surplus and we wander around and eat poisoned fruit.

Today, notions like multiculturalism, individual liberty (without obligation to the common good), empowerment, and the new and revived "tribal" drivers (e.g. feminism, ethnicism, etc) and reactions to social disarray which all reinforce the sense that we are no longer part of a society of mutual obligation. Instead, society is a damn nuisance to our wants and wishes, etc.

Captain Obvious to the rescue!

Men: sex, sleep and strip clubs
September 26, 2006

'"Why do men fall asleep after sex?" asks blogger Amy. The 32-year-old says that while she likes to cuddle, kiss and have a chat after, even if she's tired, her partner always conks out. So what's the go? "Is this normal?!" she asks me. I wasn't sure. So I decided to probe into the phenomenon and quickly found that this sleep-sex business is in fact an age-old conundrum.'

Either Sam hasn't had much sex, or she hasn't been paying attention to TV...Movies...Books...um, Magazines - or shit, even her Year 12 Biology teacher!

'My journalist friend is eager to know: when the blokes aren't busy falling asleep, "what the heck are the guys thinking after sex? That they want to scoot out of there as fast as they can? That they want to start a family with us? What is it!" she wants to know. '

That's like saying what are men eating right now? Some of us are eating sandwiches. Some are eating pies. Some of us are eating risotto. Some of us are eating fruit. Some of aren't even eating at all. If you want to know what a man's thinking after sex - FUCKIN ASK HIM.

'While recently watching an Oprah re-run...'

Well it's good to see Sam's earning her 50 cents a word.

As someone who's still in his mid-late 20s - ahem - I don't proclaim to be the wisest of men, or the most knowledgable of individuals - but this cookie cutter approach to gender & sexuality will only lead to more confusion.

If you are trying to figure out what your boyfriend/husband is thinks, feels, needs, or wants by trying to break it down to a common denominator that you can attribute to all men, then you're in trouble - if only because you're not communicating with him in the first place. Life, and therefore by extension - your husband, is too complex to be described in stereotypes.